HPP Harry Potter Parodies
by schoolgirl-cheesesculpture
Summary: Random Harry Potter Parodies......Please R
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Ice-cream**

Disclaimer: I don't own any books, let alone Harry Potter, and if you think I did, you must get your head checked. Oh, and I'm not selling brown paper either, just incase anyone was wondering. And I don't own DQ either! Soooo….. Ya….. Hope you like it!

Harry was running down the hallway, not yet in the Chamber. 'Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the HARRY MAN!' Ron, walking behind him, rolled his eyes.

'Harry, we're the only ones here, STOP RUNNING!'

'NEVER!!!!!!!' He started running faster. The yell was too loud and made a lot of rocks fall into an impenetrable wall. Ron looked to the wall were there was a sign that said 'DANGER! Do not yell too loudly. Signed, the Heir.'

On the other side of the wall, Harry looked around. Not seeing anything weird, he continued walking, all the time whistling the Canadian National anthem. The weirdest songs get stuck in your head in times like these.

He entered the Chamber and passed a statue. Then, he passed another statue. And another. And, oh, look at that! He has managed to pass another statue, people. This truly is a day to remember. And would you look at that? He has passed yet another statue! This boy is amazing! Well, this scene is boring. Let's add some rain.

The slight drizzle quickly turned into a downpour. Harry's hair was soaked. Then, he saw Ginny, lying on the wet floor. He runs to her in slow motion. And, suddenly, it gets too much. The rain, the slow mo, the, umm, snake heads. Everyone in the theater starts crying. Except for me. I laugh, because I am tickling my best friend beside me to death.

Tom shows up. Harry looks up. 'Hi!' He said brightly. He noticed a black book beside him. It said 'Tom's Book'. Tom calls the Basilisk to him. Basilisk appears out of no were.

'Ahhh.' Harry screams. 'It's a big snake.' He brings his hands up to wave them in the air, making Ginny fall back on the ground. The snake hisses. 'I have a wand.' Harry says, for no apparent reason.

'No, I stole it.' Tom says, smiling. They look up at the same time and see a dot in the sky. 'It's a bird.'

'No, it's a plane!'

'No, it's... SUPPER FOX!!!!! DUNNUNANUTNANA!!!' Fox starts flying faster to show off. A pole appears in the sky out of nowhere. Fox hits it. 'Awwww, the widdle turkey fell down.' Tom says in his most babyish voice. Fox wobbles over to Harry.

'Delivery for a H. Potter.'

'That's me.'

'Sign here please.' Fox holds out a piece of cardboard. Harry signs it. Hairie Pottie.

Fox hands him a lump of brown paper. Harry ripped it open. It's full of... BROWN PAPER! That is, unfortunately, the best present he has ever gotten. Even more than his dad's invisibility cloak, and, if you call within the next ten minutes, we'll give you another ball of paper half off. But, that's not all. We'll include some of our handy tape to go with your brown paper. And, to make your brown paper time even MORE enjoyable, we can throw in A CRAYON! That's right, you'll get tow brown paper balls, some tape, and A CRAYON for only 9.99 plus tax and shipping and handling. This offer is not available in stores, so call now!

Then Fox hands Harry another parcel. 'Open it, open it, open it, open it!' Wines Tom. Harry opens it and finds an old hat. Harry, Tom, and the snake crowd around it.

'I think, I think it's a hat!' Harry says in amazement. 'Wait, I think there's something in it!' Harry reaches in and pulls out a….

'A bunny rabbit?' The rabbit hopes away. The Basilisk gives him a carrot. Harry reaches back into the hat and pulls out a bouquet of flowers. He hands them to Tom. 'Daisies! My favorite! How did you know?' The flowers make him sneeze. That is the day that Lord Voldemort found out that he was allergic to flowers.

'How does he do it?'

'I don't know! It's like, magic!' says Harry.

'Who ARE you?' Tom asks, realizing he has no clue who the man doing the amazing tricks was.

'I'm Harry Potter!'

Tom's eyes turn to giant stars. 'THE Harry Potter?' He asks, amazed that he was actually meeting Harry Potter. He told himself that he would have to tell Wormtail about this. 'Can I have your autograph?'

Harry blinked. 'Errrr, ok.' Tom got out a piece of paper and a pen. Harry wrote his name. Airy Potar.

At his feet, the hat sneezed. A colorful string of snot came out and landed on Tom's feet. 'Ewwww! I got snot on me!'

Then, Harry said the most intelligent thing he had said all evening. 'I don't think its snot.' He picked up the end on Toms foot and handed it to the Basilisk. 'Can you take this and pull?' The large snake did what he asked. Harry saw that it was a long piece of yarn. At the end of the yarn was a pair of knitting needles. When they came out of the hat, they flew and stabbed the snake in the eye.

'NOOOOO!!!!!!! My snake!!!!!!!' Tom cried. He cried like a baby. Stories will be told of how pathetic he was when he cried that day. The snake fell over, dead.

'Poor snake.' Harry said. The hat sneezed again. 'You should get that checked out.' He was too preoccupied giving the hat his opinions on cough syrup to notice that it had sneezed out a… thing. Tom saw it. He picked it up. 'What is it?' Harry asked.

'I dunno. It's kinda pointy.'

Harry thought. What did he know that was pointy? A sword? No, it couldn't be that. This pointy thing had a hilt, and every one knows swords don't have hilts. What else is pointy? 'A fang!' He looked at the dead snake. He had fangs…. 'I must put it back!' He said.

In the back ground, Fox whispered to Tom, 'Why does he have to put it back?'

'Because he has a saving people thing.'

'I DO NOT HAVE A SAVING PEOPLE THING!!!!!!!!!'

Harry put his hand in the snake's dead mouth. He felt the 'fang' go into the gums. He brought his hand out. 'I put the fang in!' Then he realized that, when he had put the 'fang' in, he had gotten an actual fang stuck in his arm. 'Owwwww.'

He looked at Tom, who was knitting a very long scarf out of the wool that had come from the hat, and using the knitting needles that had killed the snake. He handed the scarf to Harry. 'Wrap it with this.' So Harry wrapped his arm with the scarf.

'It still hurts!'

'Harry, you have to take the fang out of your arm before you wrap it!' So Harry took out the fang and re-wrapped it.

Tom looked depressed. 'What can I do now? My snakes dead!'

'Well, you _could_ work at DQ.'

Tom appeared hopeful. 'Ya, I'll _start_ working part time…' a dream bubble appeared above him head. It consisted of a Dairy Queen sign, with the Queen part scratched out and the word Lord put in, so it now read Dairy Lord. 'Then I'll take over Dairy Queen! Think of all the free Ice-cream!'

It was only then that everyone realized what the rabbit was doing. It was eating part of the black book that said Toms Book. Tom started fading out. 'NOOOOO!!!!!! MY FREE ICE-CREAM!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!' Then, Harry was alone in the room except for the rabbit and the dead snake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Interviews**

**Harry**

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I do own... a thing of silly putty.

Interviewer (Miranda): So, Harry, how do you like the title 'The boy who lived'?

Harry Potter: Errrr... I guess its ok. Is that what they call me?

His eyes glazed over in confusion.

Miranda (totally ignoring the question) : What do you plan to do when you grow up?

Harry: Catch the golden snitch.

A little blur of gold went past the screen.

Miranda: What are your hobbies?

Harry: Caching the golden snitch!

The little blur went past the screen again.

Miranda (blinking back tears of confusion.): Do you think you have a 'saving people thing?'

Harry: I DO NOT HAVE A SAVING PEOPLE THING!!!!!!!

Camera girl in the back screams as camera falls on her. Harry stands up, superhero cape blowing in the wind.

Harry: Have no fear! Harry is here!

Music plays in the background. 'Here he comes to save the DAY!!!!!' (Come on, you all know the song I'm talking about). Harry flies over to the girl and, using a spell that Hermione taught him, lifted the camera off the girl.

Camera girl: Oh Harry! You're my hero!

Harry: It's all in a days work.

Harry puts down the girl and walks back to his chair, posing allot like a certain ex-defense against the dark arts teacher.

Miranda: Wow, Harry, you're amazing!

Harry: I know.

The director looks sternly at Miranda for saying something not on the little screen hidden from the camera.

Miranda (Returning to reading the little screen): That was exiting! And we'll be right back after these massages.

Turns all pink.

Weird voice from nowhere: The color pink. An important color, but is it actually a color? You should bye some of our toothpaste, and find out.

Music plays and on the scene appears a picture of a toob of toothpaste. A bunch of other commercials followed. The screen went back to Harry and Miranda. Harry was teaching her parsle mouth.

Miranda: But Harry, it's not something you can teach someone!

Harry: HISSSSSSS

Harry: Now, what did I say?

The director motions the Miranda that the shows back on.

Miranda: Welcome back.

Harry: Hiiiiiiisssssssssss!

Miranda: Here, we have the famous Harry Potter! Harry, do you have anything to say?

Harry: ... I... like pie!

Miranda: I think we all can agree with you.

Harry: I think... (His eyes go crossed as a golden blur went across thee screen again) The golden snitch...

The television turns black. Outside a storm has just knocked a tree on a wire. Powers out. The only thing to do is... (duh duh duhhhh!!!) Play cards in the dark. Scary music starts playing as this harmless night turns into a horror story. But, we won't talk about that.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Harry Potter Show**

**Auditions**

Disclaimer: I don't own the books Harry Potter, the Movie Harry Potter, or the actual Harry Potter. These are all good things, because if I owned the person, I would have killed him, if I owned the books, I would have killed him, and if I owned the movie, I would have killed him. So, it's all for the best.

Ron ran into the common room. 'Harry! Harry!' He found Harry. 'We're going to make a TV show! About our lives! It's going to be great! We'll have lights, and cameras, and action!'

'Who's going to write the screenplay?' Asked Harry.

'You, me, and Hermione!' Ron's ears started to turn red with all the excitement.

Harry, being the most calm and deductive person in the group (its called sarcasm, people, look it up in the dictionary!) said 'Well, we'll need people to play us, so we should set up an aud… er… an audience? No, that's not right… er… the thing where people audition for a part in the play.'

'You mean an _audition_?' Ron asked.

'No, that's not it, but oh well.'

Latter that same day

'NEXT!!!'

Daniel Radcliff walks through the door. 'Hello! I would like to audition for the part of Harry Potter.'

Harry looks at him more carefully. Not satisfied, he gets up and walks over to him. He pokes him in the arm. 'Sorry, but the spot is already taken. We'll call you if we need an extra, or something.'

'But you haven't even seen….'

'My people will call your people, ok?' Harry was getting angry, and you don't want to see him get angry! (Again, it was sarcasm! Have you people never heard of it before?)

Daniel walked out of the room looking sad. Will someone get him a tissue? He misses his mommy.

'Harry! What was wrong with him?' Hermione asked. She had thought he was hot, but she didn't want to say anything.

'He didn't look _anything_ like me! I'm _way_ prettier then him. NEXT!!!!' Emma Watson came in. 'She's perfect! Emma, you can play the role of… HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!'

'Er, actually, I was auditioning for….'

'HARRY POTTER!!! Harry really wanted her to play his role.

Hermione thought differently. 'Harry, don't you think she would be better playing my character? I mean, she is a _girl_, after all.'

Harry, pretending not to hear, told Emma when the first rehearsal was going to be. She was happy she got a part, but she had wanted to play Hermione, instead.

The next person was Rupert Grint. After he had shown them his acting abilities, Harry sent him away, too. After, the golden trio discussed the plan.

'Well, how many do we have to choose from?' Asked Harry.

'Including those last three, we have three.' Said Hermione. 'So, we'll have to use all three of them.' Ron and Harry nodded. 'So I think the girl should play me, the black haired guy to play Harry, and the red-head to play Ron.'

'No, the girl is going to play ME!!!' Yelled Harry. 'The black haired guy can play Hermione, and the read-head will play Ron, but we'll have to die his hair. No one would ever think he was Ron.'

After a couple hours of talking, Harry finally convinced Ron and Hermione to do it his way.

The next day

'Potter!' Snape came up to his most hated pupil. 'Do you know anything about the cameras in the gymnasium?

Harry blinked. 'We have a gymnasium?' He asked in amazement. He had known about the Quiditch field, but a gym….

'Yes, I installed one last week. And I didn't use dark magic, no, that would be bad. I only used potions, you hear? Potions! All of it! The whole thing made without dark magic! I swear! No dark magic at all! You can check it if you want! Wait, no! Don't check it! No! Please no! I promise, I only used potions to make a complete gymnasium!'

Harry blinked. He didn't fully understand what Snape had just said, but he did understand that they had a gym. He ran to where he and Hermione and Ron were suppose to meat. It was a big room with a shinny floor that had lines on it. 'Where are we?'

'The gym.'


End file.
